Girly Stuff

As you may have gathered (either from meeting me in person or from reading this ridiculously mandatory blog), I am more of a tomboy than a girly girl.  I don't wear dresses except for special occasions, I don't really think Justin Bieber's new scent is anything to scream about, and I'd watch a super hero movie over a romantic comedy any day.

It came to my attention recently that my blog seems to reflect this.  It's black, for starters.  Not a speck of pink to be found.  Also, my blog isn't adorned with little <3s and :Ds and :)s and eye-catching (or eye-assaulting) titles like +++.:.:Girly+Stuff:.:.+++ or the like.  And I find it perfectly okay that way.  In fact, I much prefer it.

Now, before I start up a controversy, I'm not trying to bash girly stuff.  I'm just saying that my blog is remarkably unremarkable in that it looks highly neutral.  If my blog were a store, they could put a sign on it that reads "THE MANDATORY BRAIN THOUGHT BLOG - EYE-APPEALING TO BOTH GENDERS SINCE 1897."  But I'd probably go to jail for fraud.  It's just that May of 2012 isn't as impressive as 1897.

But at any rate, for those of you who wish I'd drop the satire and dry sarcasm and show some love for once, this post is for you.

Here you go: <3.

Hope you're happy.

And now that I've appeased the masses, I think I'll go paint my nails black and eradicate someone with silly string.  (Not that silly string is for boys only--I'm not trying to be stereotypical here.  Both guys and girls can use silly string equally, regardless of their DNA makeup.  You know, maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.)

Questions - Answers Included

I'm not sure how well this will go over, but I figured it'd be fun to open my blog up for questions.  Comment on this post with a question for me and I'll answer in a future post.  Go ahead, don't be shy.

I'm shy.  It's kind of sad.  But this is the Internet, where you can be totally anonymous if you please.  So you've nothing to fear.  Except the monster I set loose in the comment section.  His name is Eddie.  Eddie VanSchtreumerwhishkerstein.

There's nothing else to say, as I'm quickly discovering.  So comment below and your question could be featured in a future post.

Ironic...

I seriously can't escape Twilight.  It's making me mental.
Anyway, my Pandora account has quite the sense of humor about Breaking Dawn Part II.  For those of you who feel Twilight is overrated, enjoy this.  For those of you who love Twilight, well, you'll either be horribly offended and try to stake my Pandora account, or you'll be mildly entertained as well.

((Click here to be taken to a full-size image))

Oh, and pay no attention to my lame stations in the left sidebar.

I have a really weird taste in music you guys. 

My Non-Mandatory Bucket List

Last week I made my first-ever bucket list.  It's a pretty legit bucket list if you ask me.  Here are a few of my great strivings-for:

-Climb a notable mountain
-Hotwire a car
-Own a dog from puppyhood
-Learn to animate
-Own a functioning stoplight
-Swim with dolphins
-Hammer a full toothpaste tube just for the heck of it
-Observe a really stupid holiday
-Be in an anti-gravity chamber
-Order dumb toppings on a pizza just to see what you get

If you take the first letter from every item it says "CHOLOS HOBO."  I think I just predicted my future.  Legit.  That's right: I'm going to conquer the world with a teenage hobo from a street gang!  They'll write parodies about us. 

Jingle bells
Hobos smell
But one just saved the day
He swooped in with his blogger friend
And they totaled the town, hey!

Genres

I was at Barnes and Noble the other day, browsing for nothing in particular, when a sign caught my eye.  There's a new genre in town, and its large enough to have three huge bookcases to itself.  It's called "Teen Paranormal Romance."

Oooookay, let me state that as a writer myself, I do not understand what goes through these authors' heads. For one thing, what are they hoping to achieve?  Twilight did it: it told a story and then was never heard from again (technically, Miss Meyer's working on a second version of Twilight now, all told from Edward's point of view--but that's beside the point).  To go any further into this genre is to gut it and remove what dignity Dracula has left.  You want a vampire story with REAL vampires?  Read Dracula.  (Another side note: that's what I bought at B&N: Dracula.)  There's a real villain with a real plan and real stuff going down.

It just strikes me as odd that these silly Twilight clingers-on are still around, still writing filth.  The Dracula I bought has footnotes explaining what hundred-letter-words mean.  You won't learn a single new word in Teen Paranormal Romance, unless its a four-letter one.

I'm not even sure what I was trying to prove with this post.  I guess Dracula is more of a thriller or a horror novel, but I'm still miffed at bad authors for making vampires seem like wusses. That certainly was not the intention of Bram Stoker.

I just blew my own mind.  What will this new Twilight book be?  I mean, it's not a prologue or an epilogue, as it runs right alongside Twilight itself.  Maybe it's a sideogue.  Runalongogue.  Othersideofthestoryogue.

I might as well confess that I can't take Dracula seriously at all because the great vampire himself has a white handlebar mustache. 

...

Grassisgreenerontheothersideogue.  Thisiswhathewasthinkingthewholetimeogue.  Whyareyoustillreadingthisogue?  NoseriouslyIdon'tupdatetilnextweekogue.  Handlebarmustachelikeasirogue:

The Quote of the Century

I'm going to keep this post short and sweet.  Firstly, I watched an episode of The Looney Tunes Show the other day.  Secondly, I heard the GREATEST THING EVER while watching.  Allow me to elaborate:

DAFFY DUCK: (To a famous actress whose attention he's trying to procure) COME ON, WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS, POINT YER LOOKIN'-BALLS AT YER FUTURE EX-HUSBAND!

The writers of that show are freakin' geniuses. 

Television is awesome.

The Bieber Noninterference

... That title sounded like a Big Bang Theory title.

AHEM.

Anyway, the reason I've titled this post in such a manner is because I have something to say about Mister Justin Bieber, and I want to say it before the Directioners kill the Beliebers and rage war on the Little Monsters.  I'd list more cheesy fan names, but I can't think of any, and I'm a Maroon 5 person myself.  (Maybe I'm a Marooner ...?)

First off, I am clinging wholeheartedly to the non-side of neutrality here.  While some of my friends would peg me as the leader of Anti-Bieber Force 4427.9 without batting an eye, I want to protect myself from the Beliebers.  They're armed with fancy Believe perfume now, you know.  Scent--heaven forbid.

The first thing I'd like to say is that I'm feeling a little tired of this unnecessary conflict in my life.  I once asked a friend (who shall remain anonymous for his/her own safety) what trait in my personality, that, if removed, would render me the most different than before.  He/she promptly said: "Well, if you were a Belieber, you wouldn't be the same at all."

...

What.

If my opinion toward a certain teen heartthrob is what defines my personality, then something's wrong.  Deeply wrong.

Yes, I think the B-man is overrated.  Yes, I think we need to send Miley Cyrus to Canada to repay them for the epidemic they brought on every 10+ girl (except me) in the country.  Yes, I'd like to set fire to the Bieber section of Claire's just to see how many screaming girls try to put it out.

But, in no way whatsoever do I consider myself an avid pursuer of the destruction of Justin Bieber.  I don't sleep with a hatchet for fear he'll come too close to my territory.  I don't paste pictures of his face onto a dartboard and bide my time scheming his downfall.

So, for any of you who are wondering, I don't hate Justin Bieber.  I hate the worship of him.  He's not a god, and he's most certainly not your future husband.  He's a teen heartthrob, and he's going to marry a famous girl whom he'll divorce and remarry four times before his death.  For those of you who fantasize about your wedding, please keep your sick fantasies to yourself and realize soon that it's not going to happen.

As for One Direction, that is a topic for another day. 

In Exciting Exitementses

(Fast-talking-author's-note: For this post and this post only, you will refer to me as Gollum.)

Is anyone elses excites for the Hobbitses movie?  Come December, you'll find Gollum in a theater against Gollum's will.  Yesssss, Gollum is excites, but the Lord of the Ringses series averaged three and half hourses each.  None can go that long without a bathroom break.  Not only does Gollum hates public restroomses, Gollumses developed a fondness for Gollumses precious pause button.

Anywayses, the writer decide to pay tribute to the Lord of the Ringses movies by writing entire post in Gollum's accent.

Yessss, the upcoming Hobbitses movie has caused some role reversalses in the writerses household.  Normally, writer is the one who drags family to theaterses, but now writerses brother has taken over.  Not only that, writer is now blogging as a creepies, emaciated hobbitses.  And Gollum is youngers now.

(Another fast-talking-author's-note: I cannot go further in that voice.  It strains the brainses)

On another matter, does anyone feel a little deja vu in this matter?  The same thing happened with Star Wars: they made a prologue after making the original trilogy, which now causes a lot of tension among fans.  Which ones are technically "the first"?  Please tell me we aren't going to undergo the same happenings with the Hobbit!  Granted, this time each movie will either have Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit at the front of the title, but it's not much consolation.

And that's all I have to say on the matter.

Just kidding, one more thing: when typing, it's really hard to write like Gollum without Jar-Jar Binks getting in the way.

"Yesss, meesa thinks the Hobbitses movie will be very entertaining!"

The Blogging Process

For those of you who care, care to know, or think knowing will help you care, this is a post about my personal process for blogging and what an average post goes through before arriving online Monday morning.  This will be a detailed step-by-step process, so get your pencils and/or pens out and prepare to do some serious note taking.

STEP ONE: FORMULATE ROUGH IDEA
This generally happens via embarrassing occurrence to/about my person and/or other person who I may/may not know.

STEP TWO: PONDER EMBARRASSING OCCURRENCE
To know it, you must go back and replay it over and over in your head, no matter the personal humiliation it makes you feel.

STEP THREE: LOG ON TO BLOGGER
Easy enough.

STEP FOUR: HIT THE 'NEW POST' BUTTON
If you start feeling a burn in your hand, push on through.

STEP FIVE: TYPE MADLY
Hit keys.

STEP SIX: VIEW COMPLETED FIRST DRAFT
Some straining of the eyes may occur.

STEP SEVEN: DEVELOP WORK ETHIC FOR BACKSPACE BUTTON
It'll thank you later.

STEP EIGHT: HATE STUPID SECOND DRAFT
Second drafts are always the worst: not bad enough to be an obvious work-in-progress, but too awful to read over without initiating a gag reflex.

STEP NINE: KILL IT
I generally use a blowtorch and the red X in the top right corner.  That's left, for you Mac people.

STEP TEN: RESURRECT IT
Preferably with thunder and lightning for special effect.

STEP ELEVEN: MARRY IT
Optional.

STEP TWELVE: BURN IT WITH FIRE
Blogs are known to cause violent mood swings and often influence hardcore love-hate relationships in their owners.

STEP THIRTEEN: SCATTER ASHES IN THE WIND
Maniacal laughter optional.

STEP FOURTEEN: LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX FOR THREE DAYS
You'll spend your time not showering and fretting about how close Monday is.

STEP FIFTEEN: RUN BACK WITH A BROOM AND A LOT OF GLUE
If you scattered correctly, unnecessary parts of the dreaded second draft should have gone to the Alps, leaving you with a presentable third draft.

STEP SIXTEEN: REPEAT NEXT WEEK

***

And that's the basic process of how I meet my mandatory deadline. 

In All Honesty

You know those people who are always saying things like "Well, if everyone were honest, life would be better and we'd all be happier"?

Well, I can honestly say that would only lead to chaos and an unnatural amount of exercise for the unfriend button on Facebook.

After all, if we were perfectly honest, social functions would die with a loud hiss.  Just think of the name tags:

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Tyler, and I'd rather watch teen angst movies than be here

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Ian, and I'm a double-dipper so you might want to steer clear of the salsa

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Lana, and I just got out of prison

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Brigit, and I spent the day wiping toxic waste off a laboratory floor

There are some things we just don't want to know and are better left unsaid.  Besides, if we were honest about what the bean dip really tastes like, we wouldn't get invited back.  And if we're not invited back, then we lose our social lives.  And if we lose our social lives, we become pale hermits who spend their time collecting bendy straws or the like.

I'd rather keep my opinions to myself, thank you.

But everyday parties aside, what about the Super Bowl?  Not that people wear name tags to watch the game, but what about when the room splits in two because people are truly honest about which team they are rooting for?  It turns into a food fight with crushed tortilla chips and double-dipped salsa everywhere.

So if you want to live in a world where no one has any friends and name tags take ten minutes to write, start being truly and undoubtedly honest.  I sort of like things how they are, though.

Besides, eventually, we'd get some stupid "Abe Lincoln" award or something for the most honest celebrity.  No, Britney Spears, I don't want to know the details of your nose job, but thanks anyway.