Your Questions - Answered

Hello, my few (and probably not proud.  I mean, this blog is either your guilty pleasure or something you read as a form of self-torture) blog-readers.  This post contains answers for you brave enough to ask questions in the comment box of one of my previous posts.  True, two of my askers were my parents, so the one outside my bloodline gets extra credit in the class of life.

Alright, first up:

Q: You are given $500K. How would you spend/save/give it? Are there any causes dear to you or principles you would work toward? What would you do with part of it that would be frivolous?

A: Right off the bat, I put $250K in the bank to save for future medical bills or the like.  Next, I give some to the Mill Dog Rescue.  Third, I'd probably buy a dog from Mill Dog Rescue.  As for frivolousness (yes, that's a real word; look it up) I would launch my own TV show on either CartoonNetwork or Nickelodeon.  Lastly, I'd hug the dude who gave me this $500K so hard he'd start fighting back.  And when he fought back, I'd have to dip into that previously mentioned $250K to pay for my brokenness.

Q: Why is Barney's skull 3" wide since it only has a brain the size of a pea?

A: (For those of you who don't know who Barney is, take a look at this hot mess:)

The answer to your question lies in the principle of his utter hotness.  He got the good looks (3" skull included), while his siblings got other attributes like brains, agility, endurance, and seeing ghosts--but they all look more or less like Lady GaGa after her concussion.

Q: Shouldn't "health care" really be called disease management? What would happen if society supported real health care with fewer working/school hours, less homework, more time outside, purposeful physical activity, creative pursuits, and healthy food?

A:  Dear Sir/Ma'am--

This is a blog, not a research paper.  But the answer is as follows: 

The USA would raise a generation of strong, intelligent people, who would rise up and conquer every other country that is unhealthy by comparison.  We would achieve world domination, but quickly fall to communism.  A literal underground railroad would be established where people go to escape the government and eat junk food, which, up until that point, has been outlawed.  This would continue until the apocalypse, when only a few survivors pick through society's ruins in gas masks. 
(This blog and its owners/affiliates not responsible for any grades achieved using this information)

Christmas

What can I say?  I guess I'm not the kind of person who's naturally holiday-ready.  While Christmas is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday of the year, in lieu of recent experiences, I'm starting to wonder about its true value.

For one thing, Christmas in general is too oversold nowadays.  It's about getting (want proof?  Watch an AFV Christmas Special), and something about my personal Christmas is ruined when I think about the brats who are crying over not getting what they wanted when their parents spent over 100 dollars in presents for each of them.  And the epidemic isn't restrained to just the kids who are "too young to know better."  The 8+ set is guilty, too!  I mean, they don't even pay for Mom and Dad's gifts, but think they have the power to scrutinize their presents like nobody's business. 

And then we have Santa Claus.  Ha!  More like Scare-Your-Pants-Off Claus.  Miracle on 34th Street framed him perfectly, but modern representations are seriously scary.  (Except Invader Zim.  No, that's just plain truth.)

On a more personal level, we now turn to wish lists.  I tried my best to get out of making one this year, but of course I couldn't completely escape the task and the mental block attached.  All year I see things in stores and wonder if I'll remember them for Christmas or my birthday, and then December or April comes along and I don't.  So, I stare at my computer/sheet of paper with a blank face for 7+ hours, not really knowing what to say but knowing that wish lists are now homework--turning in a blank sheet will earn you an F in holiday shopping.

But all pessimistic opinions aside, I really am looking forward to this Christmas.  There's definitely a lot to appreciate this year, especially looking back on the several times I almost died (no joke). 

Also, out of writer's block, I asked for some very strange things this year.  It'll be interesting to see how my family handles it.

Checkers for Real

I apologize in advance for any damage to your childhood.

Ever think about checkers?  Like, seriously ponder it.  What if it were a real-life thing?  Let me play this out for you.  We've got ourselves a battlefield, upon which soldiers rush to the other end in order to move up in rank and better slaughter their enemies.  When a soldier falls, his corpse is hauled away by the opposing side for later use.

A soldier we'll call Jedidiah (don't ask why) has reached the opposing side and is ready to be kinged.  He shouts to a nearby enemy commander: "King me!"

The commander is not pleased with Jedidiah's outburst but is a virtuous person and prides himself on following agreed-upon rules.  He spins and calls to a nearby medic standing off-field, "Martha, get this boy a crown!"  Martha runs off.  She goes into the commander's fortress and down to the dungeon.  After some deliberation, she chooses a dead ranger (spear through the heart, if you must know), throws him over her shoulder like a sack of flour, and rushes back to the battle scene.  The commander is too far away for her to speak with, but Jedidiah is still in his spot by the back wall, tapping his foot impatiently.

Martha sighs and walks along the top of the wall until she's standing right above our hero.  "You've been kinged, sire!" she says without emotion, trying to hold in her grief at conceding an enemy's advantage.  With an unwomanly heave of her muscles (Lord only knows how she got those, being a medic and all), she pitches the ranger's carcass over the wall, and it falls squarely on Jedidiah's head.  He belts a war screech and darts back into the fray, all the while balancing his pierced ally on his shoulders.

As the battle drags on, Jedidiah begins to lead his side to victory.  More and more are kinged, and Martha begins to tire of her constant runnings to the corpse storage vault.  Finally, the vault is empty.  She gasps and rushes to the commander, who is near the edge of the battlefield again.

"Commander, what'll we do?" she asks.  "There are no more enemy corpses, and a young gentleman is waiting for his crown  at the wall."

The commander is not pleased with this news and, in rage, leaps over an enemy soldier and bludgeons him to death.  "Help me toss this over there," he commands Martha, forgetting for a moment that she is a woman and shouldn't engage in corpse-pitching.

Together, they send the not-quite-dead man onto the impatient soldier's head.  If the unlucky gent wasn't dead already, the knock to the new king's armor did him in.

See what I mean?  Leaving you to decide for yourself who pulled it out of the bag and won the battle, doesn't checkers suddenly seem like a very R-rated game?  Who thought this stuff up?  Even I couldn't come up with something so blatantly gruesome as  checkers, and I just wrote that whole scene up there.

Don't even get me started on Duck Duck Goose.

Out of Context

I heard one of the strangest things the other day.  I'll admit I absolutely love it when I overhear snippets of conversation completely out of context.  It's really entertaining.

(In Chicago O'Hare Airport) Random Dude In Line Behind Me: "They're always out of trash cans by like, 9 a.m."

I don't even.  Really, what could he have possibly been talking about?  Perhaps roadkill.  Think about it--Guy #1 says, "The new road cleanup facility is really small.  They have to put the dead things from each returning truck into Dumpsters to wait for the garbage guys."  Then Random Dude In Line Behind Me says, "Yeah, I heard.  Supposedly, they're short on Dumpsters, so they have to put the corpses anywhere they can to wait for pickup.  They're always out of trash cans by like, 9 a.m."

Yeah, that's probably what it was.

Girly Stuff

As you may have gathered (either from meeting me in person or from reading this ridiculously mandatory blog), I am more of a tomboy than a girly girl.  I don't wear dresses except for special occasions, I don't really think Justin Bieber's new scent is anything to scream about, and I'd watch a super hero movie over a romantic comedy any day.

It came to my attention recently that my blog seems to reflect this.  It's black, for starters.  Not a speck of pink to be found.  Also, my blog isn't adorned with little <3s and :Ds and :)s and eye-catching (or eye-assaulting) titles like +++.:.:Girly+Stuff:.:.+++ or the like.  And I find it perfectly okay that way.  In fact, I much prefer it.

Now, before I start up a controversy, I'm not trying to bash girly stuff.  I'm just saying that my blog is remarkably unremarkable in that it looks highly neutral.  If my blog were a store, they could put a sign on it that reads "THE MANDATORY BRAIN THOUGHT BLOG - EYE-APPEALING TO BOTH GENDERS SINCE 1897."  But I'd probably go to jail for fraud.  It's just that May of 2012 isn't as impressive as 1897.

But at any rate, for those of you who wish I'd drop the satire and dry sarcasm and show some love for once, this post is for you.

Here you go: <3.

Hope you're happy.

And now that I've appeased the masses, I think I'll go paint my nails black and eradicate someone with silly string.  (Not that silly string is for boys only--I'm not trying to be stereotypical here.  Both guys and girls can use silly string equally, regardless of their DNA makeup.  You know, maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.)

Questions - Answers Included

I'm not sure how well this will go over, but I figured it'd be fun to open my blog up for questions.  Comment on this post with a question for me and I'll answer in a future post.  Go ahead, don't be shy.

I'm shy.  It's kind of sad.  But this is the Internet, where you can be totally anonymous if you please.  So you've nothing to fear.  Except the monster I set loose in the comment section.  His name is Eddie.  Eddie VanSchtreumerwhishkerstein.

There's nothing else to say, as I'm quickly discovering.  So comment below and your question could be featured in a future post.

Ironic...

I seriously can't escape Twilight.  It's making me mental.
Anyway, my Pandora account has quite the sense of humor about Breaking Dawn Part II.  For those of you who feel Twilight is overrated, enjoy this.  For those of you who love Twilight, well, you'll either be horribly offended and try to stake my Pandora account, or you'll be mildly entertained as well.

((Click here to be taken to a full-size image))

Oh, and pay no attention to my lame stations in the left sidebar.

I have a really weird taste in music you guys. 

My Non-Mandatory Bucket List

Last week I made my first-ever bucket list.  It's a pretty legit bucket list if you ask me.  Here are a few of my great strivings-for:

-Climb a notable mountain
-Hotwire a car
-Own a dog from puppyhood
-Learn to animate
-Own a functioning stoplight
-Swim with dolphins
-Hammer a full toothpaste tube just for the heck of it
-Observe a really stupid holiday
-Be in an anti-gravity chamber
-Order dumb toppings on a pizza just to see what you get

If you take the first letter from every item it says "CHOLOS HOBO."  I think I just predicted my future.  Legit.  That's right: I'm going to conquer the world with a teenage hobo from a street gang!  They'll write parodies about us. 

Jingle bells
Hobos smell
But one just saved the day
He swooped in with his blogger friend
And they totaled the town, hey!

Genres

I was at Barnes and Noble the other day, browsing for nothing in particular, when a sign caught my eye.  There's a new genre in town, and its large enough to have three huge bookcases to itself.  It's called "Teen Paranormal Romance."

Oooookay, let me state that as a writer myself, I do not understand what goes through these authors' heads. For one thing, what are they hoping to achieve?  Twilight did it: it told a story and then was never heard from again (technically, Miss Meyer's working on a second version of Twilight now, all told from Edward's point of view--but that's beside the point).  To go any further into this genre is to gut it and remove what dignity Dracula has left.  You want a vampire story with REAL vampires?  Read Dracula.  (Another side note: that's what I bought at B&N: Dracula.)  There's a real villain with a real plan and real stuff going down.

It just strikes me as odd that these silly Twilight clingers-on are still around, still writing filth.  The Dracula I bought has footnotes explaining what hundred-letter-words mean.  You won't learn a single new word in Teen Paranormal Romance, unless its a four-letter one.

I'm not even sure what I was trying to prove with this post.  I guess Dracula is more of a thriller or a horror novel, but I'm still miffed at bad authors for making vampires seem like wusses. That certainly was not the intention of Bram Stoker.

I just blew my own mind.  What will this new Twilight book be?  I mean, it's not a prologue or an epilogue, as it runs right alongside Twilight itself.  Maybe it's a sideogue.  Runalongogue.  Othersideofthestoryogue.

I might as well confess that I can't take Dracula seriously at all because the great vampire himself has a white handlebar mustache. 

...

Grassisgreenerontheothersideogue.  Thisiswhathewasthinkingthewholetimeogue.  Whyareyoustillreadingthisogue?  NoseriouslyIdon'tupdatetilnextweekogue.  Handlebarmustachelikeasirogue:

The Quote of the Century

I'm going to keep this post short and sweet.  Firstly, I watched an episode of The Looney Tunes Show the other day.  Secondly, I heard the GREATEST THING EVER while watching.  Allow me to elaborate:

DAFFY DUCK: (To a famous actress whose attention he's trying to procure) COME ON, WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS, POINT YER LOOKIN'-BALLS AT YER FUTURE EX-HUSBAND!

The writers of that show are freakin' geniuses. 

Television is awesome.