Checkers for Real

I apologize in advance for any damage to your childhood.

Ever think about checkers?  Like, seriously ponder it.  What if it were a real-life thing?  Let me play this out for you.  We've got ourselves a battlefield, upon which soldiers rush to the other end in order to move up in rank and better slaughter their enemies.  When a soldier falls, his corpse is hauled away by the opposing side for later use.

A soldier we'll call Jedidiah (don't ask why) has reached the opposing side and is ready to be kinged.  He shouts to a nearby enemy commander: "King me!"

The commander is not pleased with Jedidiah's outburst but is a virtuous person and prides himself on following agreed-upon rules.  He spins and calls to a nearby medic standing off-field, "Martha, get this boy a crown!"  Martha runs off.  She goes into the commander's fortress and down to the dungeon.  After some deliberation, she chooses a dead ranger (spear through the heart, if you must know), throws him over her shoulder like a sack of flour, and rushes back to the battle scene.  The commander is too far away for her to speak with, but Jedidiah is still in his spot by the back wall, tapping his foot impatiently.

Martha sighs and walks along the top of the wall until she's standing right above our hero.  "You've been kinged, sire!" she says without emotion, trying to hold in her grief at conceding an enemy's advantage.  With an unwomanly heave of her muscles (Lord only knows how she got those, being a medic and all), she pitches the ranger's carcass over the wall, and it falls squarely on Jedidiah's head.  He belts a war screech and darts back into the fray, all the while balancing his pierced ally on his shoulders.

As the battle drags on, Jedidiah begins to lead his side to victory.  More and more are kinged, and Martha begins to tire of her constant runnings to the corpse storage vault.  Finally, the vault is empty.  She gasps and rushes to the commander, who is near the edge of the battlefield again.

"Commander, what'll we do?" she asks.  "There are no more enemy corpses, and a young gentleman is waiting for his crown  at the wall."

The commander is not pleased with this news and, in rage, leaps over an enemy soldier and bludgeons him to death.  "Help me toss this over there," he commands Martha, forgetting for a moment that she is a woman and shouldn't engage in corpse-pitching.

Together, they send the not-quite-dead man onto the impatient soldier's head.  If the unlucky gent wasn't dead already, the knock to the new king's armor did him in.

See what I mean?  Leaving you to decide for yourself who pulled it out of the bag and won the battle, doesn't checkers suddenly seem like a very R-rated game?  Who thought this stuff up?  Even I couldn't come up with something so blatantly gruesome as  checkers, and I just wrote that whole scene up there.

Don't even get me started on Duck Duck Goose.