In All Honesty

You know those people who are always saying things like "Well, if everyone were honest, life would be better and we'd all be happier"?

Well, I can honestly say that would only lead to chaos and an unnatural amount of exercise for the unfriend button on Facebook.

After all, if we were perfectly honest, social functions would die with a loud hiss.  Just think of the name tags:

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Tyler, and I'd rather watch teen angst movies than be here

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Ian, and I'm a double-dipper so you might want to steer clear of the salsa

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Lana, and I just got out of prison

HELLO, MY NAME IS
Brigit, and I spent the day wiping toxic waste off a laboratory floor

There are some things we just don't want to know and are better left unsaid.  Besides, if we were honest about what the bean dip really tastes like, we wouldn't get invited back.  And if we're not invited back, then we lose our social lives.  And if we lose our social lives, we become pale hermits who spend their time collecting bendy straws or the like.

I'd rather keep my opinions to myself, thank you.

But everyday parties aside, what about the Super Bowl?  Not that people wear name tags to watch the game, but what about when the room splits in two because people are truly honest about which team they are rooting for?  It turns into a food fight with crushed tortilla chips and double-dipped salsa everywhere.

So if you want to live in a world where no one has any friends and name tags take ten minutes to write, start being truly and undoubtedly honest.  I sort of like things how they are, though.

Besides, eventually, we'd get some stupid "Abe Lincoln" award or something for the most honest celebrity.  No, Britney Spears, I don't want to know the details of your nose job, but thanks anyway.